Instructions for Mourning

by
Elmo Lum

1.Attend. As the saying goes, showing up is ninety percent, and when it comes to mourning, this percentage stays unchanged.

2.Cry. This refers to the funeral. You are to cry at the funeral. Within a range of acceptability, make yourself cry. But that is all — no wailing, no beating your breast, no stage-loud sobbing. No collapsing where you stand — falling is forbidden. Fainting is off the table. Consciousness must be maintained. As well as uprightness, unless you are supplied with a chair, in which case sitting is an obligation (as it normally would be whenever you are supplied with a chair).

NOTE:Said range of acceptability refers to the acceptability of the moment, meaning the context in which said funeral takes place. With reference to all local customs and habits, expectations and mores. With reference, in other words, to time and place, as well as relation to the deceased. For example: kneeling may be acceptable if you are near enough to the departed, both personally and physically. But it is never proper to kneel from the back row.

ALSO:Deviation from context is unacceptable. After all, a funeral is a public event and the deaths of others grant you no personal license. You must therefore maintain a demeanor as demanded by the public. For example, if your public frowns upon tears, you must fight back your tears. But if your public expects you to weep, do weep. In the end, never forget: every funeral is for the living, not the dead.

3.Disengage. Separate yourself from society. Work and friends, acquaintances and clubs — abandon these. Distance is required, although with your family (if any) this distance should be held to a lesser degree. With your family, your distance should be limited by practical reason. It is unacceptable, for example, to throw your kids out of the house (in case you are a parent) or to run from home (whether or not you are a minor). This is even if said throwing or running is precisely what you have been wishing, considering, or planning prior to your mourning. At least until an appropriate period of mourning has elapsed.

NOTE:After such appropriate period of mourning has elapsed, the acceptability of such actions (e.g., throwing out your kids or running from home) will be measured separately from your mourning and will not be addressed here.

4.Moderate. Once you are in mourning, moderate your every action, your every move. Both before and after the funeral, act with slowness. When in mourning, deliberate. After all, you are being watched. Always keep in mind that mourning is a stage (although not a pulpit). Mourning, in other words, is not the time for personal argument, opinion, or judgment. Rather, the performance of mourning makes a silent act. Although in only a relative way — while your silence should be maintained, it should not be absolute. You must maintain a modicum of noisy humanity for appearances (as appearances must generally be maintained, whether in mourning or not).

NOTE:Along this vein, do not indulge in mourning as an excuse. Mourning should never be used as a justification. Rather, it makes an expectation. One which we have come to anticipate as a society. And no individual is divorced from society, whether or not they are in the throes of mourning. In other words, do not use your mourning as a pretext for selfishness. Mourning should never give birth to personal acts. So moderate how you mourn, as well as how long you mourn, as well as each of their respective moderations.

5.Engage. Or, more properly, re-engage (see number 3). With, specifically, society. Rejoin your colleagues at work. Reacquaint yourself with your friends and compatriots, your clubs and leagues. Refresh your ties with your family (as stated above, family ties should not have been severed). Remind yourself and others of the things you used to do, the places you used to visit, the people you used to meet, and the manner in which you did them all. Renew your habits from before: your sundry days, your sundry acts. Do them all over again. Do them with the same mindfulness or mindlessness as before. Repeat your life — what life you lived before your mourning, before someone else’s death obliged you to disengage.

NOTE:This is an absolute requirement. However, do not take this to mean your re-engagement must be done in short order. Quite the opposite: in many circles, phasing in your re-engagement would be more appropriate. In short: your re-engagement should take time.

6.Forget. This is deliberate, your forgetting. Do this on purpose. Forget both the funeral as well as the subject of said funeral. Should you have trouble forgetting, distraction is the key. This is primarily done by the process of number 5 above: reiterating your existence according to how it iterated before. This distraction should be made easier these modern times, by means of television and the internet. But in the name of tradition you may favor alcoholism or other habits.

NOTE:As with number 2 above, the methodology of your forgetting should be determined by your personal situation and context, your individual time and place, and therefore with all the usual limitations and minor freedoms that implies.

7.Remember. In a flash, realize who it was you forgot: the subject of said funeral above. This must be unplanned — do not prearrange your remembering. Your remembering must be, as the idiom goes: a bolt from the blue, a splash of cold water, a slap in the face. Remember their life as you knew it (whether that knowledge was full or was sparse) and remember their absence, too, from your memory after their funeral. In other words, remember your forgetting. Which is the primary thing you should remember.

8.Expand. In many ways this is most important. Expand your remembering to encompass more than 7 above. More than the funeral above — more than the death above. Expand your remembering to encompass the deaths of others — the death of every other. Remember that the deaths of others should be reflected (and reflected on) in the life of your own. Which includes the death of everyone both known and unknown to you. But expand with patience. It will take time to remember how you have forgotten every death.

9.Dream. This is not a general requirement. This is specific. Dream of death, specifically your own. Dream variations: their relative chances, their differing peculiarities. Dream your death’s timing: sooner or later. Dream its morality: is it right or is it wrong. Dream its possibilities, as well as your opinion of said possibilities: weigh their benefits versus their drawbacks. Compare your possibilities of death. Which comparison, to be sure, has no particular value, other than philosophical. But this is a human requirement: philosophy. So you must compare.

10.Ask. Ask yourself: how would you like your own funeral to be? Would you like it to be grand, would you like it to be modest? Would you like it to take place on land or at sea? Would you prefer widowed sobbing to widowed silence? Who would you prefer to be present: either family or friends? And among those groups which of whom would you prefer? And are your family and friends trustworthy enough you could request such preferences? Are your circumstances with your next of kin such that your request would be honored or betrayed? Do you judge it better or worse to keep such funereal requests to yourself?

And do you even care? Ask yourself: do you even care about the nature of your own funeral? Would it even matter if your family or friends showed up? If it even took place at all? Does it matter the manner of your disposal; do you believe such rites make any concern? Will they change the circumstances of your soul; will they shape the aspect your afterlife? And is such soul and afterlife your honest and true belief? And even so: aren’t funerals for the living, anyway, and at your own funeral wouldn’t you be dead? Although since you aren’t dead yet, does it not remain your right — since you still live — to hold concerns about your own funeral?

NOTE:This asking is not a funeral. That is, this asking should not be made public. Ask yourself in secret. And only the asking itself is required. Depending on your personal situation, associated answers may or may not turn out forthcoming.

11.Continue. That is all. Persistence is all that is left. Continuance makes the final step of mourning.